What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
