You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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