The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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