I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
