I have demons in me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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