i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
