So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
