remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found your dick twin last night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
