i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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