dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
