You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Green mimosas i think yes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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