i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
