saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
how drunk are you?
Several
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
