I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
