so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
