I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
