no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
