I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
