new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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