I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
