I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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