Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
