I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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