My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
