sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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