Don't make out with my wife yet
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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