i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
