Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
