im six kinds of drunk right now
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We don't watch enough power rangers
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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