her vagine was all disorganized.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
worst night to have a conscience
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
