Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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