Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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