hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
