I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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