She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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