Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
