Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
