Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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