in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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