i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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