I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
