grandma shit on top of the toilet
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Randomize
