i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
