Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
