The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
