last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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