4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
