she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I am puke
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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