this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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