remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
