I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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