Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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