I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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