Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
