i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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