Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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