his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
