I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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