Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
