He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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