sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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