hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
