Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Vodka?
Forever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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