i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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